There are times in all of our lives that seem perfect for smoochin’. You had a great date, you walked^[1] someone home from a party, your roommate finally left you and your crushbud alone on the futon. So, you take a deep breath, close your eyes, and pucker up. Yes? No?

Maybe.

Look, compared to a lot of the things in the sexicon^[2], kissing is not a HUGE deal, so I don’t want to freak y’all out, but the fact of the matter is, kissing is the gateway drug to other “sensations.” If you’re a decent human being you should probs^[3] think about consent BEFORE your partner has to tell you no because he/she is uncomfortable. Where kissing is concerned, this particularly applies to M/F relationships, as there is some weird idea floating around out there that if a guy does something nice for/with a girl, such as going out for dinner, walking her home, or taking her to formal, the girl then should kiss him, even if she doesn’t want to see him again^[4].

This makes approximately zero sense to me. Regardless of how “exclusive” Fête is, if I didn’t like your mouth when it was blabbing about daddy’s time at McKinsey, I’m not going to like it on mine^[5].

Step 1: Figure out if you actually want to kiss this person by asking yourself the following questions

• Do you have a cold sore/Does your potential partner have a cold sore?
• Have you already or will you vomit?
• Is this your ex’s best friend and/or roommate?
• Do you normally hate this person?
• Are you worrying about whether or not it’s rude not to kiss this person?

If the answer to all of the above questions is no, then you are ready to move on to the next step.

Step 2: Look for the following signs that your crushbuddy does NOT want to kiss you

• Crushbud didn’t seem to enjoy talking to you
• Crushbud has never spoken to you
• Crushbud is has been playing “hard-to-get” by walking away every time you approach
• Crushbud is avoiding eye contact
• In fact, crushbud isn’t looking at you at all
• Crushbud has already turned to exit
• Crushbud is in the process of closing the door…in your face.

If none of these signs are present, proceed.

Step 3: Look for the following signs that your intended would like his/her lips to be your landing pad.

• Crushbud enjoys talking to you, and has, in fact, been making an effort to talk to you
• Crushbud smiles whenever you approach
• Crushbud is making eye contact
• Despite the fact that it is clear that crushbud is ready to leave, crushbud is lingering with you
• Crushbud does not pull away, and, in fact, seems pleased when you touch crushbud
• Crushbud is standing/sitting closer to you than necessary and is still making eye contact

If enough of these signs are present that it seems clear that crushbud actually LIKES you, you may roll again, you may pass GO, and you may collect $200.

Step 4: Kiss

Just do it ok?

Don’t use too much tongue^[6].

Conclusion

I know that these steps are kind of silly^[7], but  when it comes to lip lockin’ ^[8], you can’t just look for signs that your partner DOESN’T want to tango with your tongue; you also have to look for signs that your partner DOES want to and is in fact EXCITED about the prospect of sharing your saliva. Not having NO screamed in your face doesn’t mean that you have license to roam, if you catch my drift.

Happy kissing!

You’ve chatted a couple of times with the cute girl behind the Widener circulation desk. The cute guy who sits next to you in section has started responding to the snarky comments you mutter under your breath^[1]. You know each other’s names, you’ve had a few conversations, and if you’re bold ^[2], you have each other’s numbers ^[3].

So now comes the part where you invite your paramour to theFacebook event for the party you’re throwing, hope that he/she accepts the invitation, hope that he/she does not forget that he/she accepted the invitation, hope that both of you are in that magical zone between adorably tipsy and nurstily^[4] drunk so that you can hook up without it being awkward, and then spend the rest of your lives together! Right, guys? Amirite?

The Coffee Date

The Coffee Date is essentially an excuse to have a 30 minute conversation, just you and your crushbuddy in the calming light of day^[5]. It’s short, so you don’t have to worry about coming up with things to talk about. It’s casual, so you don’t have to worry about sexysexsex. It’s usually during the day, so no one feels like they have to walk the other person to their final destination. In fact, most of the awkward gendered trappings of dating fall away when it comes to something as simple as the coffee date. There is no date with less potential to accidentally offend or make someone uncomfortable, which is why it’s often recommended as a first date.

Step 1: Ask Crushbuddy Out

On the phone: “Hi, _____, this is ______. Do you want to grab coffee with me sometime this week?”

In person: “Hi, ______. How are you doing?” blahblah chat smalltalk blahblah “I’ve got to run to my next class, but would you like to get coffee with me sometime this week?” blahblah yes “Great, what’s your number?”

On Facebook: “Hi, ______. I don’t have the guts to talk to you in real life^[6].”

On Facebook chat: I can’t even.

Step 2: Get Coffee

Meet crushbuddy at a previously agreed upon location at a previously agreed upon time. Consider getting there a little early to stake out a table if it’s a particularly busy spot or time of day.

If you’re really just getting to know this person and are not sure if you want to signal romantic intentions:

Order your drink and pay. Wait for other person to order drink and pay.

If you’re sure that you want to signal romantic intentions: 

Order your drink. Let other person order. Pay for both. Note that in the ideal situation, you should be the one to order first, otherwise you have to insert yourself into the other person’s transaction, as they are probably not going to assume that you’re paying.

Step 3: Sit Down, Drink Coffee, and Talk

Sit down, drink coffee, and talk.

Step 4: Say byebye

If it was really great:

“I have to go, but this has been really great. We should do this again sometime. I’ll call/text you.”

If it was not so great:

“I have to go, but it was nice talking to you. Have a great day/week/life^[7] and good luck with insert whatever they need good luck with.”

If you’re still deciding whether or not you want to see them again:

“I have to go, but it was nice talking to you. I’ll see you in class/at clown club/around.”

Tips n Tricks:

• Pick a coffee place that isn’t super packed or always packed with your friends, so everybody should steer clear of the Starbucks by the T Stop and hipsters should steer clear of Pamplona.
• If there’s a lull in the conversation, don’t get so freaked out that you say the first thing that pops into your head. Take a few extra seconds to formulate a question that’s actually going to lead to more conversation, rather than another awkward pause.
• That said, don’t be the person who walks into every date with a checklist of questions. If your crushbuddy wanted to date that person, they^[8] would be dating their i-banking interviewer.
• Don’t be a coffee snob. If your crushbuddy forgets to request the Fair Trade blend or orders the Cotton Candy Triple Mocha Java Chip Caramel Frappuccino, deal.
• No sexy sex talk. Sexual and reproductive health/rights talks is of course fine, but seeing as you don’t really know your crushbuddy allll that well you should probably save the discussion of your personal sexual proclivities and/or what you would like to do with/to your crushbuddy for later (this seems like it would be obvious, but I’ve heard some stories…) ^[9].