There are times in all of our lives that seem perfect for smoochin’. You had a great date, you walked someone home from a party, your roommate finally left you and your crushbud alone on the futon. So, you take a deep breath, close your eyes, and pucker up. Yes? No?
Look, compared to a lot of the things in the sexicon, kissing is not a HUGE deal, so I don’t want to freak y’all out, but the fact of the matter is, kissing is the gateway drug to other “sensations.” If you’re a decent human being you should probs think about consent BEFORE your partner has to tell you no because he/she is uncomfortable. Where kissing is concerned, this particularly applies to M/F relationships, as there is some weird idea floating around out there that if a guy does something nice for/with a girl, such as going out for dinner, walking her home, or taking her to formal, the girl then should kiss him, even if she doesn’t want to see him again.
This makes approximately zero sense to me. Regardless of how “exclusive” Fête is, if I didn’t like your mouth when it was blabbing about daddy’s time at McKinsey, I’m not going to like it on mine.
Step 1: Figure out if you actually want to kiss this person by asking yourself the following questions
- Do you have a cold sore/Does your potential partner have a cold sore?
- Have you already or will you vomit?
- Is this your ex’s best friend and/or roommate?
- Do you normally hate this person?
- Are you worrying about whether or not it’s rude not to kiss this person?
If the answer to all of the above questions is no, then you are ready to move on to the next step.
Step 2: Look for the following signs that your crushbuddy does NOT want to kiss you
- Crushbud didn’t seem to enjoy talking to you
- Crushbud has never spoken to you
- Crushbud is has been playing “hard-to-get” by walking away every time you approach
- Crushbud is avoiding eye contact
- In fact, crushbud isn’t looking at you at all
- Crushbud has already turned to exit
- Crushbud is in the process of closing the door…in your face.
If none of these signs are present, proceed.
Step 3: Look for the following signs that your intended would like his/her lips to be your landing pad.
- Crushbud enjoys talking to you, and has, in fact, been making an effort to talk to you
- Crushbud smiles whenever you approach
- Crushbud is making eye contact
- Despite the fact that it is clear that crushbud is ready to leave, crushbud is lingering with you
- Crushbud does not pull away, and, in fact, seems pleased when you touch crushbud
- Crushbud is standing/sitting closer to you than necessary and is still making eye contact
If enough of these signs are present that it seems clear that crushbud actually LIKES you, you may roll again, you may pass GO, and you may collect $200.
Step 4: Kiss
Just do it ok?
Don’t use too much tongue.
I know that these steps are kind of silly, but when it comes to lip lockin’ , you can’t just look for signs that your partner DOESN’T want to tango with your tongue; you also have to look for signs that your partner DOES want to and is in fact EXCITED about the prospect of sharing your saliva. Not having NO screamed in your face doesn’t mean that you have license to roam, if you catch my drift.
- lexicon of sexual things↵
- This is a real idea. Sometimes I read Cosmo, ok?↵
- Not a true story.↵
- Because the last thing you want to do is produce so much saliva that you chap your partner’s lips. It happens. ↵
- Except for the part about the cold sores. DO NOT spread your mouth herpes. Everyone hates mouth herpes.↵
- And all other sex acts/acts in life that require consent↵